line

Though I can perhaps consider myself an extrovert or at least someone who is amazing at conversation and is liked by almost everyone she encounters, there is definitely a fine line when it comes to where fun ends and being uncomfortable begins for me.

I have a hard time saying no…to anything. I will almost always be willing to agree to eat junk (I won’t stop till you tell me), go with you to a party where we’re the only people we both know, and if the occasion calls for it, pick Sean Paul as my choice for karaoke and give a scary good rendition while getting none of the lyrics right. These are unbelievable accomplishments, I know, but for whatever reason, there is an off-limits category where certain things that have and always will make me uncomfortable ruin everything.

I can’t necessarily explain why these things makes me uncomfortable. They stop me dead in my tracks and cause me to overthink and judge and become overly and unnecessarily negative. Daddy issues? Perhaps.

Here are just a few examples:
1. Dancing in the vicinity of men (but only while it’s dark and alcohol is permitted)
2. Weddings
3. Family reunions
4. Narcotics (but only when it’s people I know using them)
5. Holding hands
6. Boobs touching other boobs
7. Piercings that aren’t ear piercings

So you might be deducing, as you read this, that I may have intimacy issues. This is also something that I may have deduced myself, just now. Yeah, so maybe I wasn’t wrong about those daddy issues.

Anyways, moving on.

I can’t decide whether these are things that are just engrained in me and will forever haunt me or if these stipulations are things that I can come to understand as people’s choices that might differ from my own, with the understanding that that’s okay. I am only twenty so maybe it just takes growing up and life experience and learning how to accept people not for their flaws necessarily, but for the way they choose to live their life.

Inferiority

I find myself constantly looking at other people, knowing of other people, and feeling inferior to them. They have interests in these really unique and original ideas and areas and I can’t help but feel uncool in comparison.

Notably these feelings are usually directed only to people I know little about, people I pass on the sidewalk or someone who briefly makes a reference to me in conversation. This makes it more complicated. Why do I put more stock into the value of a stranger rather than someone I have gotten to know? Perhaps it’s romanticized idea of people, basing my idea of who they are on little details. You don’t have to be disappointed when you only see (or imagine up) things that intrigue you about that person.

Feeling inferior isn’t a call to improve yourself or a suggestion to emulate the actions of someone you find interesting, instead it asks to eliminate the need for comparison and to stand up for your coolness.